“Enter this Tom Swifty contest,” Linda said winningly.
Yesterday I was reading a Haruki Murakami book and he mentioned Tom Swift. I didn’t know who that was, so I asked my husband, and he said, “I don’t know who he was, but I know there is a type of phrase named after him.” So I turned to the magical Wikipedia, which said that a Tom Swifty, named after the main character in the Tom Swift series of books, “is a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked by a pun to the manner in which it is represented as having been said.” For example, “I can’t see a thing,” Tom said darkly. The author of this book series, Victor Appleton, was known for eschewing the use of the unadorned word “said,” and instead came up with overly-creative adverbs and replacements.
Since I have articles to work on, I decided to spend hours last night coming up with my own Tom Swifties instead. Mine are below. I left out the, er, dirty ones.
Let’s have a contest: Post your best Tom Swifties in the Comments section by the end of Wednesday, September 5, and I’ll send the author of my favorite phrase a copy of The Renegade Writer’s Query Letters That Rock. Bonus points if your Tom Swifty is writing-related.
* “I write mainly for clips and exposure,” Tom said senselessly.
* “I don’t have any more article ideas,” Tom said querulously.
* “Who is that blind singer?” Tom wondered.
* “Either get rid of that boat or we’re leaving,” Tom said rigorously.
* “I prepared this meal from scratch with my own two hands,” Tom said cannily.
* “I am so sick of all these noisy pigeons,” Tom said courageously.
* “I have explosive diarrhea,” Tom said bombastically. (Okay, that one is borderline dirty!)
* “We encompass everything,” the yogi said ominously.
* “I can’t believe those insects started their own baseball team,” Tom said beleaguerdly.
* “My husband proposed to me in the bathroom,” she said alluringly.
* “I hate poetry,” Tom said Frostily.
Post yours in the Comments section for a chance to win! [lf]
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Sep 4, 2007 Ass, Contests, Personal yammerings
An entry for your Tom Swifty contest : “I just don’t give a hang,” said Tom duly.
“Can I plagiarize some from Boys Life?” she asked artlessly.
“There’s nothing so vacant as an empty screen,” said Tom, blankly.
“To write is ridiculous, to publish is sublime,” said Antonio Nym, in opposition.
“I have a deadline to meet,” she said procrastinatingly. {Can we make up words?}
“I still haven’t finished reading all of my notes,” he said sleepily.
“We need a new headline now!” the editor declared urgently.
“You call this good writing?” the editor asked rhetorically.
“You have five minutes ’til deadline,” he yelled furiously.
“I know that royalty check will be in today’s mail,” she said expectantly.
“I can’t write with this thing; get me some No. 2 pencils!” Tom said pointedly.
Assuming that we, too, have to leave our dirty thoughts at home…
“Smile for the camera,” Tom said candidly.
“Shut up, Flanders,” Tom said-diddily-aid…
“Domo arigoto,” Tom said roboticly. (Ok, I’m making up words, too.)
In Session with Dr. Swifty: A Writer and Her Psychiatrist
It went exactly like this,” Alice said vaguely.
“I need inspiration,” I mused.
“I must write something non-derivative and exciting,” I added, dully.
“And that’s when the muse began to talk,†Alice choked.
“You need to think of a plot,†she outlined.
“I can think of a protagonist,†I said, uncharacteristically.
“He’s a bit of a pervert,†I said, fondly.
“But lying is my main character’s fatal flaw,†I added, honestly.
“Your writing sucks,†said The Muse, breathlessly.
“How do you feel about that,†Alice’s psychiatrist said, numbly.
“Perhaps insanity will help me write,†said Alice, open-mindedly.
“As a ‘Tom’ who married a ‘Swift’ I feel especially qualified to comment on this entry” he said knowingly.
“I think it’s better to query than to send the completed manuscript,†she speculated.
“I hate writing articles with bullet points,” he said listlessly.
“This one is a love story,” she intimated.
“The milk’s gone bad,” he uttered.
“He’s a bit pigeon-toed,” she pointed out.
“The fire has died!” he bellowed.
“Query Letters That Rock is just what I need,†she said stonily.
For the Tom Swifty contest:
“My query about planting flowers with children was rejected,” Flora said wiltingly. “But maybe I can pitch one about planting children with flowers,” she kidded.
“I’m sick of writing harvest stories about apples and cider,” Ms. Macintosh mulled.
“Another story about homepages is just what this magazine needs!” cited Netty.
“No, really, the rug story is terrific,” Mr. Seagrass lied. “But it would be a plus if you crafted a new summary,” he added.
“Editors always ignore my invoices!” Bill charged. The he checked himself, “But at least when it comes the pay is good.”
“What? Me procrastinate on starting an assignment?” she said slowly and deliberately.
“My tummy is empty,” Tom said hungrily.
One more…
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” Tom jawed.
“This milk is spoiled,” she said sourly.
“I’ll butter up my editor with some homemade cookies,” Candy said sweetly.
“This is my last war book! I hate writing battle scenes,” the novelist declared violently.
“I’m Just Hitting Send,” the writer said, absolutely determined.
“Nyah-nyah, nyah-nya-nyaaaa,” the child said tauntingly.
“I don’t know what to write,” she mused.
“Would you like to hear my story idea?” A. Riter queried.
OK, here’s a few:
‘That magazine is officially off my list!” said Tom crossly.
“Why don’t we get some Chinese food?” she said wantonly.
“I loved your pitch!” said the editor fetchingly.
“Your article needs a lot of editing,†Tom said mincingly.
“I write for the stage, and I write it right, nay virtually as a rite,” Tom said playfully.
“My whole right foot has been left half-eaten,” Tom said soulfully.
“Those grapes are sour anyway,” the fox said wrathfully.
“I’m giving this book a bad review,” he said critically.
“We won’t need your services anymore,” my editor said dismissively.
“I’m a freelance writer specializing in history and politics,” she declared independently.
–Wow, these are addictive and I apologize!!
[...] in September of last year, I won Linda Formichelli’s Tom Swifty contest. (The accolades, the prestige!) Actually, it was a heckuva lot of fun and I got a copy of The [...]
“I’m not gay” Tom said half in earnest