Asking for help
I’ve been struggling with a book proposal for going on two years. Every couple of weeks, my husband asks, “How’s the X book coming?” and I feel the pool of despair inch out a little farther in my gut. This weekend he asked again and I snapped, “It’s not, okay? Lay off!” I rarely snap, so we talked about it. I told him how anxious his inquiries made me feel, and he pointed out (rightfully) I’d done so much work on this proposal that it was a shame not to finish it and put it out there in the marketplace. I admitted I felt stuck with the book — I didn’t feel connected to the material — and that connectedness was important to me. He recommended I hire someone to look it over for me — another writer or a book doctor. Immediately, I perked up.
I did a little research on book doctors, found someone who looked good, then did my due diligence by asking some trusted writer friends for their opinions. I talked to one friend on the phone who said, “Diana, she’s great — but I don’t think you need her. Let me look at your proposal. Maybe I’ll see something that can be easily fixed.”
I felt my heart race, my cheeks flame. “Okay,” I said weakly. I sat there after the call feeling a bit ill. It had nothing to do with my friend being an amazing writer, someone who gets her essays selected for The Best Food Writing compilations and whose third book is coming out next year from a major publisher. I can take criticism from the best of them.
What it was is that I hate hate HATE asking friends for help. I don’t mind paying for help, thus why I was ready to shell out $500 for a book doctor, but ask a friend to read 50 pages of (what I thought was) sheer drivel? I’d rather pull my own toenails out, thank you. Maybe it’s the eldest child syndrome, or that I’m an incorrigible control freak or that I think, “They’re busy with their own work, they don’t have time to help me.” I’m simply more comfortable helping someone than to be the one accepting help. In my moments of utter self-honesty, though, it has mostly to do with an excess of pride.
I did it. I fought the urge to “forget” sending the file and I sent it. For many of you this might be a “What’s the big deal? Whoopie … you asked a colleague to read your work.” But it was a revelation for me. I’ve been thinking about how, in a way, not asking for help is selfish and keeps a relationship unbalanced. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you’re always doing the giving, it doesn’t give your friends or colleagues the chance to give back. The relationship becomes a one-way street, with the chronic giver in this quasi-Godlike benefactor role while the chronic receiver gets stuck playing the mere mortal.
I’ve decided that I’m going to lower my guard and start asking for more help. So my writing friends out there, watch out. 
How about you? Do you have a hard time asking friends to critique your work and such? How do you handle it? Add your comments below. [db]
If you liked that post, you might also like:
Oct 15, 2008 Book authoring, Help us!, Observations, Personal yammerings, Self improvement
Diana:
I do have a hard time asking my writer friends for help, because I don’t want to ever seem to be bordering on taking advantage of someone else. However, should another writer come to me for help, I’ll gladly lend an ear and offer suggestions. In fact, an old editor of mine just took a buyout from her newspaper and emailed me out of the blue for tips on freelancing–something I’ve been doing full-time for 15 years. Well, of course I’m going to help her out. We’re supposed to talk today.
As far as your reluctance to finish a book proposal, I know what that feels like. I finally finished my book proposal, but it’s because I had my agent asking for it and because an acquisitions editor had read this story in Business Week about my frugal living, and wanted to talk with me about doing a book on a related topic. Well, guess what? I just so happen to have a book proposal that I can send you.
That said I have a self-published book that sorely needs updating. Every week I do a little bit of work on it, but I really need to get it done in time for the holidays. What I need to do is add it to my daily to do list. Even if I can dedicate 30 minutes only a day, eventually it will get done. Maybe you can try a similar tactic in the future when you feel like you’re drowning in a project you can’t finish.
Hope you sell your book!
Leah
The real question is – was she helpful? Was it worth the difficulty of not wanting to ask for help?
Oh she was helpful, Monica. More than she knows! She’s totally getting a shout-out in the book acknowledgments.
Oh, I get so nervous about asking friends to read my stuff!
Even if it’s just a poem, my cheeks burn and I snatch it back with an “It’s not finished …” as soon as they’re done, whether they compliment it or pick it apart. And the worst is when they read what I’ve written out loud. Maybe it’s like how actors don’t like seeing themselves on screen. But It’s totally excruciating for me too.
I’m somewhat like Leah, in that I don’t like to feel like I’m taking advantage of my relationships. Now, I will ask for help — but usually only from writers that I’ve helped out first. That way, I don’t feel quite so much like I’m abusing a relationship.
On the other hand, I *do* recognize that we’re all part of a community of professionals, and that there’s a lot to be said of the ecosystem of help and support we can all provide to one another. I’d like to think that by helping one another, we can all succeed. So perhaps that’s an argument in favor of building and enhancing that networking, rather than being afraid of it.
Diana…
You’re not alone in your fear of sharing writing, but I think my perception of sharing has changed as I’ve had more work published. In the beginning, I wouldn’t let a single person read anything. As I’ve established myself in my two writing groups (one large offshoot of a national group, one a 6-woman group who meets every three weeks), if I need opinions, I selectively choose.
I actually don’t like sharing from the standpoint that I don’t want to bother others with their own work to do. Instead, it’s often more of a “swap”–I’ll check out someone’s first three chapters for their time in checking out something I might need in the future. Those folks must go through a 21 point checklist first, however…LOL!
oh man, I think you nailed it with the ‘eldest child’ thing. I hate asking anyone I know for help, even though I offer my services all the time – and it isn’t just writing. I don’t like owing people anything, but am happy for it to go the other way around. My Mum has reminded me in the past that other people like being useful – just like I do…and I can alienate them sometimes but not allowing them to see me in need. ACH! Working on it.