Query Critique: A Yoga Query Gets a Makeover from Linda
I offer query critiquing, and one of my recent clients kindly gave me permission to post her before-and-after here.
The writer’s original query is below — then my general comments and, finally, the revised version taking my comments into consideration.
What do you think of the original and revised queries? Is there anything you would have done differently? Do you agree with my critique? Post your insights in the Comments below! [lf]
The Yoga (Every) Body: Debunking the skinny yogi myth once and for all
Enough is enough. Call them heavy, curvy, chunky or obese – overweight people have been told to hate their bodies for too long, and it’s not getting anybody any thinner – or fitter! We’ve seen one exercise fad after another ostensibly designed to help people lose weight, yet yoga has rested steadily in the background for literally thousands of years. Meanwhile, the last thirty or so have seen it relegated to the realm of fitness for the already-fit. The truth is that yoga is as varied as it is ancient, and is not just about gravity-defying postures accessible only to the double-jointed size 6.
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly a third of Americans are obese. Obviously, losing weight requires that perfect union of better nutrition and more exercise. But for people who are obese, exercise is daunting indeed. Firstly, any exercise is far more difficult when we’re significantly over our ideal weight. That is to say, it hurts. Our joints hurt, our bones hurt, and our egos hurt worst of all. Secondly, investing time and energy in exercise is a lot easier when we don’t hate the beneficiary of our labors – namely, our bodies. This article will directly target three reasons yoga is ideal for people struggling with their weight, bearing these limitations strongly in mind throughout.
There’s No Place Like Om
One of the biggest benefits to yoga is that it can almost always be practiced in the comfort – and emotional safety – of one’s own home. Trying to summon the motivation to work out is a challenge for anyone, but it is exceptionally difficult when exercise hasn’t been a part of our lives for a long time, or indeed has never been a part of our lives. Eliminating any obstacles – the need for expensive equipment, a drive to the gym, or perhaps most importantly, the threat of embarrassment from exercising in a public arena – is key to making sure we actually do it. In her book, Big Yoga: A Simple Guide for Bigger Bodies , Meera Patricia Kerr writes, “I stopped going to the gym years ago because I felt so out of place.” Big Yoga does call for equipment for many of its asanas, or poses, but most often that equipment consists of a wall, a chair, or a necktie!
Modify This.
Within yoga there are so many practices, and each of these bring different modifications to the fore. There is really no limit to how far a posture can be modified, and this is one reason students should consider attending a few classes. Yoga instructors are trained to work with their students’ bodies, to help them work toward the same end result as those achieved through asanas that may remain out of reach at first. For practitioner Janet Zinn, a psychotherapist from New York who lost 60 pounds in part by practicing yoga, this is no small feature: “I believe that being able to modify enables people to affirm themselves…[Yoga] is an amazing way to respect and listen to our bodies.” I’ll draw from Kerr’s Big Yoga, as well as insights from yoga instructor Anna Guest-Jelley, founder of Curvy Yoga in South Carolina, to highlight why these modifications are a great place to start, and can even offer some how-to’s on a few modifications as a sidebar.
Within the Body…and Beyond
Dr. Moshe Lewis, MD, MPH, Pain Rehabilitation Expert and Chief of the Department of Physical Medicine at St. Luke’s Hospital in San Francisco, has worked with a lot of patients in a lot of pain. The way he sees it, “The psychological components of weight management are honestly the largest hurdles to encounter and overcome.” Yoga tackles this issue gently, but directly. Every part of yoga is about identifying with one’s body, being present and aware, “breathing into” one’s various appendages and organs. “It’s about accepting who you are,” says psychotherapist and yoga instructor Lauren Rose, “and this is where the physical crosses over into the emotional.” While all exercise can and should be mentally and emotionally rewarding, yoga’s specific emphasis on presence and quieting the mind (and all its nagging negative comments) make it an ideal practice for people who may need a little extra TLC as part of their workout routine.
To date, the majority of my work has been academic in nature, and I’d be happy to send along some clips upon your request. I’ve been practicing yoga for eight years, and believe strongly in its ability to heal. It’s time to be done with this destructive myth, and my sources are just as excited as I am to help see it off. I’ve also got a couple of sources with some great action pics of plus-size yoga practitioners if you’d be interested. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
MY COMMENTS
* I really like this query! It is a great idea, and now you just need to find the right home for it.
* You got some good interviews.
* Your paragraphs are very long…I’d work on chunking them down a bit to make the query more readable.
* You’ve buried your lede. It sounds like the real meat of your lede is in the second paragraph. I would start with that and then have a second paragraph that has elements from this original first graph.
* I like your title, but your subtitle seems a little off-point…it seems like you’re saying there are already a lot of heavy yogis, but your pitch is all about trying to get more overweight people to try yoga. I would just remove the subtitle.
* I moved your stat to the end to bolster your argument about why the article is important. I think the lede is stronger without it.
* I would tighten up the writing a bit. For example, you don’t need to say, “bearing these limitations strongly in mind throughout.” That’s assumed.
* I would change “obese” to “overweight” so as not to narrow down your audience too much.
* The section on Within the Body — and Beyond is a little confusing…is this section about physical pain or mental pain? I changed it up a bit to get rid of the confusion.
* Ask for the sale at the end! This would make sure the editor knows this is a pitch, not a full article and not a press release.
* I’ve made small changes to sentence structure and word choice throughout.
THE REVISED QUERY
The Yoga (Every) Body
Losing weight requires that perfect union of better nutrition and more exercise. But for people who are overweight, exercise is daunting.
First, any exercise is far more difficult when we’re significantly over our ideal weight. That is to say, it hurts. Our joints hurt, our bones hurt, and our egos hurt worst of all. Second, investing time and energy in exercise is a lot easier when we don’t hate the beneficiary of our labors – namely, our bodies.
We’ve seen one exercise fad after another ostensibly designed to help people lose weight, yet yoga has rested steadily in the background for literally thousands of years. Yoga is as varied as it is ancient, and is not just about gravity-defying postures accessible only to the double-jointed size 6.
My article, “The Yoga (Every) Body,” will directly target three reasons yoga is ideal for people struggling with their weight. For example:
There’s No Place Like Om
One of the biggest benefits to yoga is that it can almost always be practiced in the comfort – and emotional safety – of one’s own home. Trying to summon the motivation to work out is a challenge for anyone, but it is exceptionally difficult when exercise hasn’t been a part of our lives for a long time, or indeed has never been a part of our lives.
Eliminating any obstacles – the need for expensive equipment, a drive to the gym, or perhaps most importantly, the threat of embarrassment from exercising in a public arena – is key to making sure we actually do it.
In her book, Big Yoga: A Simple Guide for Bigger Bodies, Meera Patricia Kerr writes, “I stopped going to the gym years ago because I felt so out of place.” Big Yoga does call for equipment for many of its asanas, or poses, but most often that equipment consists of a wall, a chair, or a necktie!
Modify This
Within yoga there are so many practices, and each of these offers different modifications to help practitioners who can’t safely or comfortably perform the various asanas. There is really no limit to how far a posture can be modified, and this is one reason students should consider attending a few classes even if they plan to practice mostly at home. Yoga instructors are trained to work with their students’ bodies, to help them work toward the same end result as those achieved through asanas that may remain out of reach at first.
For practitioner Janet Zinn, a psychotherapist from New York who lost 60 pounds in part by practicing yoga, this is no small feature: “I believe that being able to modify enables people to affirm themselves…[Yoga] is an amazing way to respect and listen to our bodies.”
I’ll draw from Kerr’s Big Yoga, as well as insights from yoga instructor Anna Guest-Jelley, founder of Curvy Yoga in South Carolina, to highlight why these modifications are a great place to start for people who are overweight [just keeping your theme front of mind!], and can even offer how-to’s on a few modifications as a sidebar.
Within the Body…and Beyond
Dr. Moshe Lewis, MD, MPH, Pain Rehabilitation Expert and Chief of the Department of Physical Medicine at St. Luke’s Hospital in San Francisco, says, “The psychological components of weight management are honestly the largest hurdles to encounter and overcome.” For example, heavy women tend to beat themselves up when their bodies don’t perform exercises the way they’d like them to. [I added this to give an example of what your source is talking about. —Linda]
Yoga tackles this issue gently, but directly. Every part of yoga is about identifying with one’s body, being present and aware, “breathing into” one’s various appendages and organs.
“It’s about accepting who you are,” says psychotherapist and yoga instructor Lauren Rose, “and this is where the physical crosses over into the emotional.” While all exercise can and should be mentally and emotionally rewarding, yoga’s specific emphasis on presence and quieting the mind (and all its nagging negative comments) make it an ideal practice for people who may need a little extra TLC as part of their workout routine.
To date, the majority of my work has been academic in nature, and I’d be happy to send along some clips upon your request. I’ve been practicing yoga for eight years, and believe strongly in its ability to heal.
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly a third of Americans are obese. It’s time to be done with the destructive myth that yoga is only for the skinny, and my sources are just as excited as I am to help see it off. I’ve also got a couple of sources with some great action photos of plus-size yoga practitioners if you’d be interested.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please let me know if you’d like me to write up this article for [Magazine].
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Jan 26, 2012 Query letters
I love the article! We need more than the skinny girls perception to yoga! Yoga should be for everyone like we yogis were taught. We must learn to love ourselves first…that is the only time we can heal ourselves internally. Yoga is not all about bending in a pretzel. Its about finding that inner light!
I love both versions of your article! I think this is GREAT!!
Thanks, Christine! This is actually a magazine pitch for an article my client would like to write.
What a fascinating topic, and the writer really does seem to know her stuff and have done her research. My only criticism of this is that the query is practically the whole article! Might it not be a better idea to outline what you plan to discuss but not give away all the details in the query?
Thanks for the comment! I actually broke into the national women’s magazines with a 3-page query (this was before I started e-mailing pitches), and that’s when my career took off. The health and women’s magazines, at least, tend to like well-researched and fleshed-out pitches. Also, when you’re new to the game (this client only had academic clips), the more you can show the editor the better. You want to give the editor every reason to say, “This writer doesn’t have any relevant clips, but I’m confident she can pull of this article based on all that she wrote here.” And June speaks the truth in her comment below…doing the research gives you a better chance at landing an assignment — and then when you DO land it, you’ve already got some of the work done.
I agree with Jennifer. After I read this looong query, I felt like I’d read the whole article! My queries are usually two or three paragraphs at the most with a final one outlining my credentials and asking for the sale. I suppose you could look at it this way – if she does land an assignment, it won’t take long to finish the piece!
I’d also say this is very long for a pitch. All that detail might show you know what you’re on about, but it’s a very specific offer. I’d give the editor more room and more potential angles.
I actually have landed a lot of work with fleshed-out queries. But that’s what the Renegade Writer is all about…finding out what works for YOU and going with that!
I think the article sounds great and the second query is much clearer — at first it was harder to see where it was going.
I’d also like to buck the trend in these comments and give some positive perspective on fleshed-out queries
I recently sent out a long query which took lots of research, but really spelled out what I would write. The editor complimented me on the pitch and replied with a great commission within 24 hours.
I was inspired to “go long” by the advice here and the sample queries in the second RW book
I’m very grateful that you spelled out how writers can raise their games in this way — it would have taken me so much longer to work it out on my own!
I think a detailed pitch can really prove to a new-to-you editor what you can do — doubly so if it’s a competitive/well-paying market. It may not work for every publication, but it seems to be a particularly good strategy for magazines. Of course, if people are getting well-paid work in their dream pubs, then they can do whatever works for them. But if not, why knock it without trying it?
Thanks, Diane — and congrats on your assignment! Yes, I find that it’s always better to give too much than too little.
Thank you, and exactly!